I got this book today and started reading it today. It so describes my challenging child, especially this week. My husband and I went to the book store for a willful child book. We saw this one, like the title, and bought it. The first chapter so describes my son... intense, focused, and on and on and on.
I have not got to the part where the author tells me what to do, but I am eagerly awaiting that chapter. I will let you know.
In the last post on preschool behavior, I discussed choosing your battles. Today, I will explain how I see rewards used appropriately. This is from more of a classroom technique, but can be applied at home too. This is also for one behavior at a time. While adult brains can process multiple learning at the same time, preschoolers need one focus. Pick the behavior you want to change the most and not focus too much on other behaviors. It will get too confusing for your child.
First, it is true, try to "accentuate the positive!" If you reward the positive, then your child is getting attention for the behaviors you want to see increase. If you only discipline the negative, an attention seeking child, ie: most preschoolers, will continue to repeat the behavior in which they receive the most attention. So try, try, try to choose your battles and try, try, try to reward the positive more than the negative.
Second, rewards have to start off plentiful in the beginning and then taper off. If you see the behavior you want to improve, congratulate your child each and every time. As the days/weeks/months go on, do not reward as frequently. This teaches the child that they do not always get a pat on the back for making the right choice. You can choose to reward every other time, every third time, etc. If they inappropriate behavior starts escalating again, you may have to reward again. Just make sure your child is not manipulating the situation. And this is a good time to point out that M&M's cannot be given forever. While tangible rewards, or rewards they can touch/feel, are good, the child needs to be weaned from them eventually.
Finally, vary the types of rewards as you are encouraging the behavior. One time, give a tangible reward, one time a star on a chart (or for a few times until they reach the goal), one time a pat on the back or a hug. Don't let your child think they get something every time they do something good. We want our children to feel good about themselves without someone else telling us to feel good. Do not overload with your rewards, but point out to the child that they made a good choice and they should feel good about it.
This is teaching our children lifelong behaviors for the benefit of everyone in the family.
When discussing preschool behavior, it is important to remember to CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES! It is important to reward and give positive encouragement for appropriate behaviors, but it is important to decide what behaviors you are going to focus on. Children are criticized so often and corrected even more. They are corrected for making wrong choices that should be corrected immediately and those that are probably not as important that are corrected as often as the immediate behaviors. We want our child to act appropriately, but we don't need them to be perfect. If you child is constantly asking for something at the grocery store, which they do, it may be better to ignore it. If they are screaming and hollering over the same item, it may be something to correct immediately. If you child is refusing to share a toy with a sibling, it may be something to let the children work out themselves. If they are hitting the sibling because they are mad that they want it, it may be something to correct immediately.
Preschoolers need encouragement and correction. Make sure your day includes more encouragement that correction.
In the first part of this rewarding child for good behaviors, I mentioned that all parents reward. The purpose in rewards are to encourage children to continue the desired behavior. This may be to keep following directions, cleaning up their room, making good choices at school, or being kind to a sibling. The more positive reinforcement the child receives, the more likely they will have the "good feeling" about the choice he made. If you are working with constant disobedience or more severe behavior, you need to pick one part of the behavior to work on first. For example, if you have a child that hits a parent every time they are asked to clean his room, you have to start with the hitting, then the room cleaning. You should choose to encourage every time the child went to clean his room without hitting, even if he does not actually clean his room. Using words explaining the right choice of not hitting is how the child will learn not to hit. Then begin to encourage the times the child does actually goes into his room and begins to clean it. Then encourage going into his room without instruction and cleans his room. Eventually with positive encouragement, the child will train himself to think of the right choice. It may take a long time, but positive encouragement will do far more than spankings or time out (Which in this case will give the child a way to escape cleaning his room! More on that in another post!) Keep up the good choices!
This has come up in previous posts and on other blogs... do you reward or not? Coming from a behavioral background (my degree is in teaching children with learning and behavioral problems) I do realize the benefits in rewards. Rewards, used correctly, can encourage children to think the way you want to and make the choices you want. Rewards, used incorrectly, can teach a child that getting is the only reason to do. There is a fine line and parents will need to decide on what they want the outcome to be. Every parent rewards, whether it is with a kind word, a pat on the back, a special treat, or a special toy. Make your decision wisely and make you rewards appropriate.
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